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**fictional story somewhat inspired by the movie Amy**

A place where all secrets must be told, hiding is impossible, your nightmares are the only thing you know. Welcome to my life.  It wasn't always like this. Just a year ago at this time I was smiling. I was normal. I was me. Now I sit with my knees close to my chest remembering how the tears felt sliding down my cheeks. The white walls close in on me as I drown out all the voices. Silence brings me comfort. It's the only thing that does now a days.

Everyone knows. They try hard to let me think I don't know. But I know things they could never imagine. I see it in the white bare walls.  I see it in the darkness of my eyelids. I see it in the words engraved in my mind. Words are what put me here. Words are my lock to dissolving into this state of nothingness.  And they don't think I know. HA! Knowing is what brought me here. 

1 year, 5 months, 21 days I have been here counting the endless tiles that camouflage in its surroundings. Everything is white. The dividing lines of the tiles are white. Its hard to count but I manage.   I have doctors constantly walking in and out of my room. Each encounter filled with less hope for me to recover from my state of mind. I'm hopeless. I know. That word filled with other derogatory words remain etched in my mind. You know that little voice in your head that taunts you in your time of already feeling low?  Well, I hear that voice everyday. Every single minute repeating the words I read 1 year , 5 months and 21 days ago. Its gotten to the point where I actually believed it. To the point of where those words are my lullaby for sleep I desperately desire. Its also the noise that haunts me to be awake.

I guess I should thank you. I really should I mean you are right. You got what you wanted didnt you? Im here. No where close to your rising power. I'm just a single speck of dirt on your clean white clothing.  But knowing you, your probably silently thanking me. Here is my silent welcome to you.  I wont let you know how much I wanted you to succeed but now I hope otherwise. I hope you burn. Burn like I did. Feel as I do. Lose all of what I lost. Myself. 

Just one page. Who would of thought one piece of paper with words that I plotted on that paper would put me here. The one thing I loved more than anything is why I am here. I never thought it was that great. But apparently the public thinks otherwise.  Now I think otherwise.  I wish I said something. Something different then silence. Different then your control. I should have known. Not only have you let me in a long lasting death, you dont care. So now I dont care. I don't care about anything. 

One last look at the bright walls before my sleep haunts me with many scenarios of my could of been life. 

Commercial

* There was some technical difficulties. For some reason the volume was not working properly. My sister tried to help me but could not figure out why it wasn't working.

Sailing My shoes to TImbuktu- Joyce thompson

The book I have been reading is called " Sailing my shoes to Timbuktu" By Joyce Thompson. I know we should not read books that we do not like but I cannot help it. I hate having to give up on a book when I already started. The only reason I was reading this book was because thriftsbook.com messed up my book order and I hadn't gotten the other book I wanted.  I figured why waste a book thats here. I don't like it because it's really confusing. It talks about a religion I never heard of. Also I feel like its random stories put into one. She goes from talking about herself to her mother and each chapter is about an event that happens. I am not sure if it is in chronicle order or not. It's a bit confusing and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone to read. At least I wouldn't recommend it for teenagers. Maybe someone older who would be able to appreciate it more and possibly someone who is spiritual and open minded. 

The truth about Jack's mother

**Just to let everyone know I am basing my story from the musical Into the woods. I am telling the story from Jack's mothers point of view which is what i think might of happened to her.

One day that seemed ordinarily beautiful turned into one of the darkest days of my life, it was about 11 years ago. The birds singing their beautiful tunes that all the little kids were dancing to. The sun shining its sweet rays onto our little shack. My wonderful husband smiling toward the window with his book in hand. We lived in the woods in our fairy tale of a town. It was wonderful. I felt like the richest woman in the world. Which to be honest was the total opposite of who I was. Our shack was not the best but I tried to keep it as clean as possible. I only wanted the best for the two men in my life, my husband and my one year old child Jack. As the day progressed the sun began its usual journey of setting as the glorious moon took its place in the night sky. I laid my little one into his crib where his little eyes instantly gave into a deep sleep. I walked to where my husband was sitting in his chair watching the stars from the window. He just smiled as I kissed him on the cheek and whispered goodnight. He didn't reply back but he rarely ever did once Jack came into the picture. I walked into my room where our worn out mattress lay. I got myself ready for bed and as my head hit the pillow the thunder began. The pouring rain was the key which unlocked the doors to my dream world. That very next day I woke alone. I figured my husband was up and about doing something. Maybe taking to Jack who must of woke yearning for attention. I walked to where Jack was silently dreaming. No husband just silence. The day progressed and my love had not been home. No notice of anything of his where about. It was that night I was stripped of who I used to be. I was not rich anymore instead I turned into what I looked like and people would assume me to be. A poor woman raising a child which would age me to desperation and anger. I blamed the only person I could think of. Jack.

Now at age 12 Jack has grown up fatherless. His shaggy carrot top hair and sunny although vague disposition reminded me so much of his father. Just the thought of how Jack resemebeld his father made me age in a way I never knew was possible. In a matter of years our shack which I made to look as clean as possible turned into the dumpiest place I could have imagined. I just gave up. I did love Jack. I always would, he is my son, my flesh and blood. The one of the two men who hadn't left me. Yet, I couldn't help the anger, the misery that would build as I looked into his eyes. Before he was born all was well now it is not.

It was a normal day in April. Nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Jack could never get it through his thick skull that cows were meant to stay outside. I would yell everyday for him to bring her by the big tree out in front. But no Milky white was his friend. Milky white was not meant to be treated any differently than humans. For God sakes Jack couldn't even get the right sex of the cow. Milky white is a she but to him it was a he. Why was I cursed to have a son as stupid as Jack? The only reason I took in Milky white was because she was just wandering in town and had no where to go. It was a few months after my husband left and I needed to find some source for food and money. A cow seemed to be perfect. Heck she even got Jack off of my back for a while. But as time moved on Milky white started to become dry. " her withers wither with her" as she stayed by Jack's side. I yelled at him to go to market but he ended up just running around in the woods pretending no one wanted to buy her. Seriously does he think I am that stupid? Especially since I watch him run the other way of town. Well, today I had enough. I was tired of our measly crumb of bread that we got to eat once a day. I yelled for Jack to march Milky white to market and this time for real. I watched as he tried his usual trick of going down a "new path" to market. New path my tucus I thought as I scowled at him to take the regular route. He ungratefully gave in and I watched Jack and Milky white disappear into the trees.

Hours worth of waiting and Jack had not been home yet. Not too long as I was beginning to worry that the last person who could love me left I saw him. His head hanging low with his shaggy hair covering his eyes. Something wasn't right. He walked right in and smiled saying he found a new friend. I gave him questioning eyes as he held his fist out which I thought might be gold. My eyes lightened up seeing that maybe my son did something intelligent for once. Now thats a lot to ask for isn't it? When I see him showing me three green beans. I thought he was kidding but no. Apparently they aren't just beans they were " magic beans." God now I see why my husband left. He must have known what an idiot Jack is. He was sad and I was mad and in the end we had no food to eat.

It wasn't till a few days that Jack start smiling. Why the hell would he smile after he cried about loosing his cow friend? He wouldn't say. Something was up and I didn't like it one bit. He left the house and began his journey through the woods. I'm his mother if he doesn't tell me what he is doing I must follow. It's the motherly thing to do of course. It was a longer journey then I thought it would be but boy was I surprised. I never knew Jack could actually keep a place liek this a secret. It was a calming scene with one huge bean stalk traveling to the sky. That little lake pretty much took my breath away. Then seeing Jack climb that bean stalk nearly gave me a heart attack. I waited minute after minute after minute and no Jack. He was still up there and it was getting a bit past noon. I decided he would come down when he wanted to.

As the sun was setting Jack walked in the door. He just smiled like I use to smile when my husband was around. He was in love. But who in their right mind would love my son like that? Heck even I can't understand why I love him. He told me he fell in love. But it gets better. He told me who he was in love with. A giant. I thought he was out of his mind crazy. He said he had other news. News about the giants mother and my husband. Well, lets just say I had no problem burning down that oh so big beanstalk.

Math on a sick day

You wake up at your normal hour of the morning. All seems well. You get dressed , eat breakfest and head off to school. You follow your normal routine of socializing, putting things away in your locker and getting to class before the bell rings. Each class slowly passing by slower then usual. Then you arrive to that one class you pray won't drag as much as you know it will. It's math. You hate math. The teacher talks on and on but you drown them out. Your hatred takes over and you drift into your dream world without math following. In that day dream the word math or talk of it is not allowed. "ring ring" the bells sounds off.  You think nothing is wrong.  Passing people in the halls casually throwing around a "hi" , " whats up?".  Its just the normal end to your normal day. You get your things and head off home. You notice as your on your route home your tired. You decide to take a nap. You were suppose to nap for a half an hour. Instead you napped for 3 hours.  You think of it as a minor detour. You take out the work you have to do and see its not much. You do half of it then go online. Your friend Ims you. She seems frantic. You think she is being paranoid. She asks you math questions and asks you about the test. You stop then question her. " what test?". She writes back " the one that counts 30% of your grade test". You think she is joking. Its 11:30pm. She's not. She tells you what is on the test. Each topic having one thing in common. You got an F on each test you took for it. You are beginning to stress out. You tell your friend you need to go. You run for your math book and all the numbers start swirling into a foreign language. Your mind is racing. You have no idea what to do. Think, think think! You got it! You stay home and take the test in two weeks. Of course the teacher wants to give you a test right before your break. How do you get your parents to go along with it. Think, think think! The sniffles! Thats it. Your nose has been acting up lately. You go to bed making sure your parents see that a cold is starting up. When you wake up you talk in a nasally voice. You tell them your nose is stuffed and you feel chilly. You remember how you always get cold before a fever starts to come. Its perfect! A bullet proof plan. Immediately you put it to work. You finish whats left of your work and check your math book one more time. Make it look like your trying. Go to bed. 5:30am you call your mom.  Tell her your nose feels stuffy and throw in a cough or two. Tell her your cold and want to stay home for the day. She buys it! Your free! You can not believe you did it. You go back to sleep almost instantly. But wake up in four hours. You grab your math book and study like you never studied so hard. You never looked at math for so long. It makes you nauseous.  You go over it like there is no tomorrow. You finally start to get it! You say to yourself you will be ready, you can pass this test! Your confident. You check the time. School has been out for one hour and a half. Go online. Your friend is on. Your eager to ask how the test was. She tells you " Mr. Pratt was absent and the test was cancelled". You grow numb. Crawl back into bed and sleep and forget the math that haunted you that day.

Life on the color line : in Gregory Howard Williams Prospective

Silence fills the air

Only one voice pierces through

The scraping of the chalk against the board as 

words are being told into a story

History is being taught

Students watch with boredom crossing their faces

except one

A squeak or two from a chair but everything is still

Its just a classroom 

where blacks and white can sit with no disturbance

I may look white but am truly black but I learn just like everyone else

Each word escaping her lips

I grasp more of the world

the knowledge growing inside me

my new desire to learn

in class I sit

I feel my skin has no affect

I'm normal for once in Central High in Muncie, Indiana

My classmates stutter for an answer 

While I scream it in my head

Finally my lips speak for the screams in my mind

I'm right

How to become...

Why do you want to be what you have chosen? Is it because you have that burning passion for it? Or is it because you know you will be financially safe with it? Before you make your final decision you must decide if you want it to be something that you know will provide you with a good life style or one that your heart cries for. But wait. What if you can't decide?  What if you need both to be happy? Then think. Think of what can satisfy both of your needs. Maybe you already thought of it. Maybe you haven't.  For all you know you may not have the answer for a few hours, days, months or possibly years. Don't worry. It will come to you.

If you know then research. Check it out. Look to see what you need to accomplish to get there. Ask yourself  what other things you can do. You want to be good don't you? Then don't just do the minimum. Do the maximum work. Once you know. Don't hesitate. Don't wait. Just go out and do it.

" Life on the color line"

The book I am reading is called " Life on the color line" by Gregory Howard Williams. This book is based on his story of growing up. Greg was raised as a white for most of his childhood but one day everything turns. There were already problems with his family but once those worsened so did his life. He found out he was half black and everything turned upside down. He and his family originally lived in Virginia where the father owned a tavern where he would serve black and white soldiers or anyone. The father was also a constant drunk and as time went by he got worse and worse. He also would beat on his wife which several times she would try and run away. One time she did and greg saw that so he asked if he and his brothers and sister could come. They were so close but the father caught them and beat the mother. In the end the mother ended up running away only taking Greg's younger sibling leaving him and his brother mike behind. So, far the mother has not come back for them. The dad moved mike and greg to Muncie Indiana where they now live as blacks ( what the father is) leaving their old selves behind. 

The reason I chose this book is because of the college reading list I have. I techniqually finished the requirements because I already read one book " Night" by Ellie Wiesel. Though I told myself I wanted to try and read the whole list of books during my time in this class. I have to admit I really am liking this book a lot and cant wait to start on the other ones because they are all non fictional and seem really interesting just like " night" and " life on the color line".

Reading= " A whole new world"

Reflections on reading

Reading can be something a person loves or despises in life yet no matter what we all do it. I can not say that I personally love reading but when I must do it for a class I will. If I find a book that I really get into such as " Catcher in the Rye" by JD Sallinger, " Freedom Writers" , " Night" and others. I liked these books because some how I can relate to these books. I personally like books that are relastic yet real so I can see how others lived. Such as " Freedom Writers" because they talk about their lives and its just beyond interesting. The movie to that was phenominal. So, that means if you have not read it, you should and see the movie for it as well! Usually if I am given a book to read I probably get sucked right into if that plot is catchy. I hate reading and you have to wait for a juicy part to come up but usually its worth it. I do not usually read though if I have free time unless I am already in the middle of reading a book. I basically have mixed views on reading. I find it fun/interesting or boring/annoying.